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Sometimes, even the most acid-tongued, sour-mouthed cynics have to step back, scratch their heads, and go, “Whoa, that’s some coincidence.” I started reading The Hound of the Baskervilles on the same day that somebody told me that Michael Vick might sign for the Patriots. That’s wicked strange.
I think that’s a really, really bad idea. For one thing, he was wildly overrated when he was actually playing, and for another, he hasn’t played football in awhile. You know, because he’s been in jail. I know, I know, they work out on the yard all the time, but pro football is a different game than handball with Aaron the Aryan. For yet another thing, he’s not really a quarterback. Sure, he kind of knows how to throw the ball, but he’s really a walking trick play: He’s a running back/wide receiver with an arm.
All right, say the yahoos who actually want Vick, but he’s not going to supplant Tom Brady, he’s going to be a specialist; an extra receiver or back who can run trick plays! Dogsh*t, I say. The Patriots’ offense is way, way too good to be spending money on weird extra options like that. And don’t pretend that Vick’s not going to demand some serious money. If anything, the Pats need help on the other side of the ball. The guy’s versatile, but not that versatile, people.
On the other hand, it might draw some PETA protesters to Gillette, and they’re always fun to mess with. Try asking one the following: “If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made of meat?” Sometimes they turn the color of raw beef if you do it right. This would also make tailgating a lot more fun: “Heeere, veggie veggie veggie…”
I might be biased, because I still think he’s a despicable asshole, but even from a pure football perspective, what on earth would the Patriots want with this guy? I’d rather see him on some other team, so that I can watch the Patriots defense smear him all over the field. The Patriots need Michael Vick like Jon and Kate need eight more. Give me a break.