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The Big Stories in Boston Sports for 2010

Dumb New Year's glasses (Ebay.com)

With 2009 in the books, we put to rest another crazy year in Boston sports. But I don’t need to remind you of everything that went down in ’09—you were there. Even if you spent the better part of the year huffing glue and can’t recall much of the goings on here, there have been enough “Year in Review” stories over the past few weeks to fill in the blanks.

Now, with our hangovers subsiding, work and school continuing and hopefully our debilitating huffing habits behind us, it’s time we look forward. What are the big stories in Boston in 2010? Who are the movers and shakers? What’s the big scandal? Well look no further, Sports of Boston has you covered. I took a peak into my proverbial crystal ball, and got a glance at what I think will be the big stories of year.

January

After the Pats lose in the in second round of the playoffs, people start to question Belichick’s coaching ability and some even call for his firing. In response, Belichick calls a press conference to remind everyone what bad coaching truly looks like. Refusing to make a comment or answer questions, he simply places photos of Grady Little, Pete Carroll and Rick Pitino on the podium and walks away. Everybody gets the point and shuts the hell up.

February

The NHL breaks for two weeks for the Winter Olympics. While Bruins stars Patrice Bergeron, Zdeno Chara, Marco Sturm, David Krejci, Tim Thomas and the newly inked Miroslav Satan head off to Vancouver to skate for their respective countries, the remaining B’s are able to indulge in activities that they normally wouldn’t have time for during the regular season–such as winning consecutive hockey games.

March

In an attempt to disguise himself as Adrian Gonzalez and sneak into Sox spring training, Mike Lowell grows hair on the remaining 90% of his upper lip. The ruse almost works until his true identity is revealed when his hipbone shatters during batting practice. Did I say during batting practice? I meant while he was walking out of the dugout.

April

Mike Cameron begins his career in a Red Sox uniform by going 3-42 at the plate. Coincidentally, my recent Google searches include “Where to buy chloroform,” “Awesome hiding spots for bodies” and “Mike Cameron’s home address.”

May

Tom and Gisele announce that they are having another child. Mel Kiper updates his big board for the 2032 NFL Draft by listing “Brady Fetus” as the first overall pick going to the Cleveland Browns. Rumors of Brady Fetus holding out in Gisele’s womb begin to surface.

June

The Celtics win the NBA Finals over the Lakers in six games. Rajon Rondo is named Finals MVP but misses his name being called because during the announcement he was standing at the free-throw line, where he tends to miss most everything.

July

Boston is rocked by its own sex scandal when it leaks that a local sports media personality has a dirty video floating around the Internet. Unbridle excitement turns to absolute horror and dry heaving when it’s discovered that this film is not of Heidi Watney or Kathryn Tappen, as many had hoped, but of Jackie MacMullan.

August

Former Boston resident, Dana White, brings his UFC to the city for the first time ever. The headlining bout features Bob from Bob’s Furniture and the Sullivan Tire guy, with all proceeds benefiting the Jimmy Fund. Not only does a great charity win, but so the residents of Boston when both men knock each other into comas, thus preventing them from ever producing their annoying-ass commercials ever again.

September

Tiger returns to New England and wins the Deutsche Bank Championship in Norton. It’s his first PGA tournament victory since allegations of his infidelity were made public back in November of 2009. Tiger is all smiles until he’s presented with an over-sized check made out to Elin Nordegren.

October

Sox backup catcher Jason Varitek is arrested on DUI and vehicular manslaughter charges when he strikes a homeless man with his car after leaving a Faneuil Hall nightclub. Most people are outraged. I, on the other hand, am pleasantly surprised to learn he can still hit something.

November

Red Sox infielder Marco Scutaro is awarded MVP. Not the award, mind you, but the movie: Most Valuable Primate, because much like that crappy film, Marco Scutaro is disappointing and a chore to watch.

December

Trying to capture the excitement of the Bruins participation in the Winter Classic earlier in the year, the Celtics decided to host their own outdoor game. Unfortunately, every player suffers from hypothermia except for Glen Davis, who still manages to sweat despite wearing only shorts and a tank top in sub-zero temperatures.

From Belichick to babies to Big Baby, 2010 sure looks like it’s shaping up to be one helluva year here in Boston. I know you can’t wait. Neither can I. Well, except for the MacMullan porn, I can definitely wait on that one.

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Discussion

One comment for “The Big Stories in Boston Sports for 2010”

  1. Oh, ‘Tek can’t hit. How 2009 of you to make a joke about that! Drunk driving and killing someone because of it so funny, too. I. AM. IN. STITCHES.

    Never heard of this site before this and I don’t think I’ll be visiting it again.

    Fudge you, Fudge!

    Posted by A340-600 | January 6, 2010, 11:00 pm

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