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One of the most intriguing questions entering Sox spring training is the Mike Lowell situation. With the acquisition of Adrian Beltre, Lowell’s position on the team is now pretty redundant. However, there’s still questions swirling. When will he be traded? Can he? Could he play a different role on the team? Does he want to? All these questions linger, but no one in the “traditional media” has been able to answer them.
Well, I can’t wait any longer. I’m a man of action, and I needed answers. So I did what any other investigative reporter of my stature would do–I hacked into Mike Lowell’s and Theo Epstein’s email accounts to see what was really going on. Written below is what I “found,” and it’s more revealing than any reports we’ve heard thus far.
having a good winter? u get those suitcases i sent you for xmas right? hope ur hip didn’t give out while playing shuffleboard or whatever it is you old guys do. Ha lolz. j/k man, see you in ft myers…..or not…..lolz…..j/k????????
peace out homeslice,
Nice to hear from you. I did receive the suitcases you sent as a Christmas gift, it was most generous of you. However, I was slightly confused to see all my equipment packed in them as well. Doesn’t the truck usually just bring all the players’ equipment down to spring training?
All the best,
ya man, no prob on the suitcases, just thought i’d throw ur crap in there too so you’d have it with u—u know, in case you need to take it anywhere…like a different city or something……so seriously old man…hows the hip?
T-PAIN (haha wouldn’t it b cool if there was like an app that can read emails in auto-tune???)
Hello there Theo,
The hip is feeling quite fine, thanks for asking. I’ve been doing some great exercise to keep limber. I know the organization is concerned about my defensive performance last season, but I assure you that my range will be better this year with my hip fully healed. My thumb is coming along quite well too! Occasionally, there is some soreness, but for the most part I think it will be good to go.
haha, i hope ur thumb is cool, cuz u may be needin it to hitch a ride out of town. LOLZ. j/k??????
Very clever of you! I assume that’s a little humorous reference to the Texas trade fiasco. Ha, no hard feelings though. All joking aside though, what is my status as the Red Sox 3rd baseman? I feel confident that I’ll be healthy by the start of the season, and I can still provide some pop at the plate, .290 last year, not too shabby. What are your thoughts?
Look forward to hearing back from you,
cool man, ur totally gonna be our everyday 3b.
theO (show her my O face, O! O! o! haha did you see that movie office space? mad funny!)
That’s great to hear! I won’t let you guys down.
See you soon,
dude, sorry bout that last email, that was totally meant to be sent to beltre. my bad man, i must have spaced while typin in the address. oo, but have you met adrian yet???? dude is mad chill. i was at his place playing halo last nite, u know, pwn’in n00bs. we were hangin hard. too bad u won’t be able to meet him, he’s a solid dude, think u would be like a good father figure for him.
aight man, peaaaaaace!
t-to-hizzo e-to-pstein ——–for shizzle
Yes, I saw that we acquired Beltre. Wish you would have told me about this deal. So what are your plans for me? Am I going to platoon with him? Are you going to use me at DH along with Ortiz? It’s not ideal, but I can accept playing in a reduced role for the team, anything I can do to help bring another World Series championship to Boston.
Just let me know the deal,
appreciate you willing to ride the pine for us broseph, but i’m gonna be serious with u here, we don’t have much room for you. listen man, this isn’t really my fault. u can totally blame v-tek for this. but tek is gonna be bitchin about getting his at-bats, haha he must think this is like little league, right, right? but him being so popular in boston, i gotta march him out there every once and a while.
so ya, when he’s catching we need to keep v-mart’s bat in the lineup, so VICTORY! (haha, I’ve been calling victor that, like johnny drama in entourage, mad funny) will be dh-ing or playing 1st. and of course youk’s gotta be in there cuz he’s my boy and all, so we’ll slide him over to 3rd.
could i dh you instead ortiz, yeah, but the only thing harder than trading a broken down 3rd baseman is trading a hitter that can’t really hit anymore (no offense tho man, and don’t tell ortiz i said that either, ok?)
so we really don’t need you that much. but seriously dude, don’t blame me, this crap is all tek’s fault, dude is a dick sometimes u know? if it wasn’t for him we’d TOTALLLLLLY want you around and stuff, even if ur just a shell of ur former self. sucks u know? o well.
I appreciate your honesty, brutal as it is. I don’t think we should blame Jason in this ordeal though, sometimes in baseball, it just works out this way. Now that we have all these thoughts out in the open, is it safe to assume that you’re working on trading me?
Please let me know,
man did you like sleep with every general manager’s wife? seriously dude, you had to do something to piss these guys off, cuz no one, and i mean friggin no one, wants to trade for u!
i mean everyone knows ur always banged up and that you can’t reach a ground ball that requires you to move more than 3 steps and that ur contract is mad expensive, but geez, ur mikey lowell! 2007 series mvp! teams want me to pay like $9 mil of the $12 million owed to u this year if they’re to take u–what’s with that?! if i were u dude, i wouldn’t take that kinda disrespect. we’d never hate on u like that.
we still cool?
I don’t think any of the teams meant to disrespect me. I think they just had the upper hand in the negotiations because they knew you kind of had to move me. Don’t fret about it, even the best of us mess up every now and then–we’re “still cool.” So I guess I’ll see you down in Fort Myers in a few weeks then, huh?
ya man. whatevs.