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Marc Savard and Matt Cooke to Meet in the Octagon

Marc Savard (NBC Sports)

In a breaking announcement Thursday, the NHL and UFC issued a joint statement that to settle their differences, Matt Cooke and Marc Savard will step inside the UFC Octagon following the conclusion of the Stanley Cup Finals.

Because league disciplinarian Colin Campbell concluded that hits with the shoulder can not be used as an attempt to injure anyone, Matt Cooke was not suspended, sparking an uproar that something needed to be done. While something was done for future incidents, no punishments can be handed down ex-post-facto, leading to this vigilante face-off. Cooke has been known for cheap shots now and then, and Bruins fans especially have had a bad case of boiling blood, and are sure to make the fight a sell-out.

When asked for comments regarding his opponent, Savard said,

“That little *expletive* is going down. Now that my wits are coming back, I know how to feel. I’ll crush his throat and rip his arms off. That pathetic little worm won’t escape me.”

When asked for a response, Cooke had this to say:

Savard thinks he can take me? I’ll show him who’s boss. Provided his back is turned, of course. Truth be told, and you didn’t here this from me, but that the only way I can win.”

When we tried to reach Colin Campbell for comments, he at first tried to disavow all responsibilities and ran away and hid. But when we finally cornered him, he had this epiphany:

“At first I didn’t want to do anything, but then everyone started liking the idea of revenge and punishment, so I’ll just go ahead and claim credit for the whole idea. I mean, look at all the money this’ll make for the league. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this idea before; people do like violence in hockey after all as long as it’s controlled enough. Aren’t I just an APRIL FOOL?”

APRIL FOOL’S!!!!!!

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