|Red Sox Bullpen Sleeper: Matt Barnes||The Case For Trading Clay Buchholz||Connelly’s Top Ten: 1812 Overture Rendition of the Top Ten||Management Forced Its Hand With Rick Porcello, Red Sox Nation Pays|
Tampa Bay Rays second baseman and center fielder Sean Rodriguez was stung by an actual stingray Monday while at the beach by his condo when he took his daughter into the water for a closer look at some dolphins, when what he thought was a catfish swam by his legs. Of course, it was his team’s namesake, which barbed him in the heel and swam off, leaving a mini fountain of blood behind. Jason Bartlett, who was also there with his son, helped stem the bleeding with a towel and summoned paramedics. Of course, the stingray can’t really harm a person with its sting that badly unless they happen to hit something vital.
Rodriguez was fine, and even subbed for Carl Crawford when he was ejected Tuesday. There has been some speculation about how bad it could have been, but he was just shin deep at worst, so how bad could it have been? Rodriguez is and will be fine, but there’s one important figure that has been largely forgotten in the hubbub: the stingray.
After taking down Steve Irwin on September 4, 2006 with a well-placed swipe of the barb, stingrays everywhere became emboldened. After the senseless murders of a dozen or so stingrays in the week following the attack, probably by deranged Crocodile Hunter fans, the world’s sub-oceanic stingray army realized the need to reiterate their power, and what better way to do that than attacking someone who’s using their likeness without the proper legal permission? Not to mention, they had to free their brethren being held captive in a tank at Tropicana Field. Now the humans have responded by having BP destroy an oil well to poison the stingrays’ military bases. Now, only time will tell how the war will play out. But that’s not the only war that’s brewing between baseball and nature…
The other day, San Francisco’s ace was hungry, so he went to the market and bought some beans. When eating a handful, he dropped a few onto the ground, where they instantly sprouted and grew high up into the clouds. When he climbed up to investigate, Lincecum noticed a large abode, and walked over to it, but was noticed by the very tall inhabitant, who chased off the trespasser. Lincecum made it back to the bean stalk and slid down, with his would-be assailant close behind, but the top of the stalk was unable to hold him, and he fell out of clouds and down to Earth. Of course, the resulting tremor was blamed on the San Andreas Fault.
Arizona’s shortstop was traveling through the desert on his way to the Governor’s residence to protest the anti-immigration law. Having car trouble on the way over, he pulled over to the side of the road, and while examining under the hood, a snake slithered over. Both Drew and the snake felt threatened, and when the snake lunged, Drew took a shot at it with a tire iron, and connected. Looking at the snake’s body, Drew was reminded of a Benjamin Franklin cartoon.
Pittsburgh’s closer recently took a vacation to Somalia, for some reason. If he didn’t have nitro boosters on his speedboat, he wouldn’t have made it out alive.
The Cubs’ outfielder was on a hike through the woods with a friend during the off-season. While moving down the trail, they failed to notice some baby bears with their mother in a leafy area by the trail, and went too close. Fortunately, Soriano didn’t have to outrun the mother, he just had to outrun his friend.
Atlanta’s ace and Cleveland’s outfielder recently took a vacation to Foxwoods Casino. While there, they lost a lot of money at the Craps table. After Lowe and Choo made a fuss, the casino’s manager approached the two, held up a tomahawk, and asked them if there would be a problem. Lowe and Choo immediately signed a treaty promising never to return and left without any further troubles.
Guerrero said that Mr. T. could beat up Chuck Norris while drinking in a bar in Arlington. Now, he can’t perform well enough to play in the outfield anymore.
Towards the middle of April, Anaheim’s closer made a statement to the media saying that the Pope was not infallible because of his acceptance of all the sex abuse scandals, and saying other blasphemies. He went to bed feeling fine, but the next day, the Angels were forced to put Fuentes on the DL.
Detroit’s elite first baseman went to see a Siegfried and Roy show. After being invited backstage, Cabrera got a hot dog backstage from a vendor, along with the entertainers. At that point, everyone noticed that Roy had forgotten to lock the cage (again), and nobody wanted to share their dinner. After Montecore, the duo’s latest pet was upset with not being included, he got frustrated. Fortunately, the trainers were already on the scene with tranquilizer guns.
Bay recently made a comment that Jon Stewart wasn’t that funny, prompting the comedian to rip into Bay. When Bay saw the clip, he immediately called his mommy while crying like a little girl.
Pedroia was doing laundry the other day, and despite concise instructions from his wife not do so, put his favorite red shirt in with his white tube socks. And to further get himself into deep water with the missus, Pedroia didn’t use any fabric softener when he put the load in the dryer. When Pedroia took the load out of the dryer, his socks, now colored and full of static electricity, stuck to his arms and would not come off; any attempts to peel the socks off just resulted in them sticking to the other arm.