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The Couch Potato Report: Red Sox, Wrestling, and The Manliest Movie EVER!

Stone Cold Steve Austin (Image from fusedfilm.com)

The dog days of August continue, and as the days start to get shorter and shorter, the menu of sports programming gets larger and larger.

Thursday night, we were finally able to enjoy the birth of another Patriots season, with the Pats topping the reigning champion Saints in their preseason opener. Preseason football is about as appetizing as a veggie burger (sorry vedgeheads, those things look absolutely gross to us meat eaters), but we’ve still got a month of it to go before they start playing meaningful games.

But in the meantime, the sports world offers us a wide array of events to feast our eyes on, so let’s take some time now to highlight this weekend’s televised festivities. It’s “The Couch Potato Report,” C.P.R. for your sports-lovin’ hearts.

#1 Red Sox vs. Rangers

When Is It On & Where Can I Find It?

Friday and Saturday night at 8pm, Sunday at 3pm, all on NESN

Why Should I Watch?

After a complete meltdown by the Boston bullpen Thursday, the Sox will try to redeem themselves this weekend down in steamy Arlington, Texas, as they take on the red hot Rangers. The local nine took a 5-2 lead into the ninth inning up in Toronto, looking all but certain to complete the three-game sweep of the Jays. But a four-run rally by Toronto sent Jonathan Papelbon his sixth blown save of the season, and gave Toronto a come-from-behind 6-5 victory. Boston has to man up and win some ball games fast, as time is a tickin’ on the 2010 season. Wins will be hard to come by against the West-leading Rangers, who have new owners and new found hope, as they set their sights on a deep run through the playoffs.

#2 PGA Championship

When & Where?

Friday at 1pm on TNT, Saturday and Sunday at 11am on TNT and 2pm on CBS

Why?

After the opening round, Tiger Woods is still relevant on the leaderboard, as he posted a 1-under 71 at Whistling Straits Thursday, three shots off the early leaders, Bubba Watson and Francesco Molinari. Time will tell if Woods can get back on track and play some meaningful golf come Sunday, but for the waning popularity of the sport, here’s hoping he can get back on track. People tune in and watch this guy, so for him to play well means golf does well. So Mr. PGA Championship Tournament Director, get Tiger some dirty Midwestern girls so he can relieve his tension and golf the crap out of this course this weekend.

#3 Little League Baseball

When & Where?

All weekend long on ESPN & ESPN2

Why?

What side of the debate are you on? Do you find watching Little League Baseball wholesome, enriching, and enjoyable? Or do you see at exploitation of children too young to be in the limelight at such an early age? As a lover of all things baseball, I lean towards the “wholesome, enriching, enjoyable” side, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get a little creeped out as a grown man, sitting there in my living room watching little boys run around on television. That being said, there’s no doubt I’ll still watch a ton of Little League Baseball this weekend, and as the international tournament wages on. This weekend, the regional finals take place across the country, as the finest teams of 12-year-olds battle to earn a ticket to the World Series in Williamsport, PA. Good luck to all of the kids, getting to live out their dreams of playing big time, nationally televised baseball.

#4 U.S. vs. France, Exhibition Basketball

When & Where?

Sunday at 1pm on ESPN2

Why?

As a tune-up for the upcoming FIBA World Basketball Championships that start later this month, the United States team will host the stinky, smelly French squad at Madison Square Garden this weekend. The superstars that brought home gold medals as part of the ’08 Olympic team aren’t part of this year’s group, but that doesn’t mean the roster doesn’t feature its fair share of star power. Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, and our own Rajon Rondo highlight a younger crop of NBA stars that will take aim at the world’s best. Even if you’re not a basketball fan, tune in just to watch French people loseā€¦ I know I can’t get enough of watching French people suffer defeat, and I know I’m not alone.

#5 WWE’s Summer Slam

When & Where?

Sunday night at 8pm on Pay Per View

Why?

It has been a long, long, LONG time since I watched pro wrestling. In fact, I think the last Wrestlemania I watched was back in the early-to-mid 90′s, when Jake “The Snake” Roberts fought Rick “The Model” Martel in a blindfold match and Randy “Macho Man” Savage lost a retirement match to the Ultimate Warrior, way back at Wrestlemania VII. Amazingly enough, some of the same guys that wrestled back then still are involved in the WWE today, as the Undertaker and my old favorite, Bret “The Hit Man” Hart both still wrestle in the squared circle.

This year’s Summer Slam features WWE champion Sheamus taking on challenger Randy Orton, while the seven-man group of bad boys called Nexus go up against a group of seven “all stars,” led by local favorite John Cena. Sure it’s on Pay Per View, and sure it can be a little pricy, but if you’re looking for a way to go back to your younger days and relive all the fun you used to have cheering on your favorite wrestling personalities, suck it up and put down the cash to order Summer Slam Sunday night. Just apologize to your wife or girlfriend in advance, in case you suddenly get a surge of adrenaline and testerone while watching and decide to pile drive her into your living room floor, or clothesline her over the kitchen counter.

This Week’s “Off the Field” Pick: “The Expendables”

When & Where?

In movie theaters everywhere, starting Friday

Why?

Sylvester Stallone. Bruce Willis. Mickey Rourke. Jet Li. Randy Couture. Jason Statham. Dolph Lundgren. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. What, no Jean-Claude Van Damme? Needless to say, there are a lot of balls in this movie, even without Van Damme’s groin spheres. “The Expendables,” which could’ve easily been titled “Manly Men, Guns, and Explosions,” is the tale of a group of skilled mercenaries, sent to South America to assassinate the dictator of a small island country. But really, does the plot matter to you at all? Dudes are going go see this movie just to see other bigger, stronger, more famous dudes blow $*!+ up! Now, this probably isn’t the type of movie you go to with your girlfriend or wife, but I know that some of you will bring them along. And why not? After countless “chick flick” movies and silly vampire and wizard movies we’ve sat through over the years, men finally have the chance to take back the big screen. This film is the perfect revenge movie to finally get back at the women in your life that dragged you to pansy movies like “The Proposal,” “Thelma & Louise,” and any of those Lifetime movies you were forced to sit through. Seek revenge this weekend, men, and let Stallone show you the way to taking back your manhood, one “man-gasm” at a time.

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