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NHL, Colin Campbell Biased Against Marc Savard

Colin Campbell (5-hole.com)

Colin Campbell, the NHL’s senior vice president of hockey operation and all-around disciplinarian, publicly called Marc Savard a “little fake artist.” Really, it was an e-mail conversation with former NHL director of officiating Stephen Walkom, but everything becomes public when you hit send. This is just the next revelation in a long line of completely unfair set of judgments and opinions.

Remember when Matt Cooke committed 2nd-degree attempted murder on Marc Savard? It was clearly illegal, a fact “conveniently” ignored by Campbell when issuing the decision not to punish Cooke for his hit on a “little fake artist,” something Campbell probably applauded in private and gave a secret bonus and medal to Cooke.

The newest example of Campbell’s complete incompetence, ineptitude, and at his age, incontinence, comes to light in a court case for wrongful termination brought against the league by former referee Dean Warren. What did Warren do? He called a minor penalty against Campbell’s son Gregory Campbell back when he played for Florida. Who did Gregory commit the foul against? Marc Savard. How dare anyone call a penalty or do anything to besmirch the reputation of Campbell’s blood line? Much less when the real offender is an evil, heinous worm such as Marc Savard.

This is blatant biased at its worst. Commissioner Gary Bettman is no better for allowing headhunting to continue too. If only Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin was the victim of a head hit from Matt Cooke. Cooke probably would have been murdered for doing the exact same thing he wasn’t punished for. And can you imagine what would have happened if Gregory Campbell was ever crippled with a concussion (which is still keeping Savard out with post-concussion syndrome and depression, by the way)?

How the NHL decides on punishments

NHL's "Wheel of Discipline" (cheezburger.com)


Seriously, how random can the NHL get with how it decides on punishments? You might as well set up the picture on a wall and have a monkey thrown darts at it. It is idiotic, stupid, and completely ineffectual. Just like how the government decides on what to do with failing insurance companies and banks.

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How Matt Cooke (and Colin Campbell and Gary Bettman) would have been punished in other societies

Egypt – Heart fed to Ammit

Ammit (egyptiandreams.co.uk)


Egyptian souls had their hearts weighed against Ma’at, the Goddess of truth, by Anubis. If their hearts were weighed down by sins, the hearts were devoured by Ammit, which meant they were eradicated from all existence and unable to continue the journey towards Osiris. Ammit had the head of a crocodile, the body of a lion or leopard, and the hind section of a hippo. She embodied all Egyptian fear and was sometimes called a demon, though she only acts to purge evil.

That’s just what we need in the NHL. Get rid of the evildoers and make things good again. Right by might.

Sparta – Immortality

The traitor Ephialtes ("300," 2006)


This is essentially what’s going on with the NHL leadership’s job security. Remember in “300″ when Leonidas told Ephialtes, “may you live forever?” Dying in battle was a glory for Spartans, and living forever meant the traitor was unworthy and dishonorable. Plus, Colin Campbell is starting to look like the movie version of Ephialtes.

So the theme with this one is to let Colin Campbell and co. live with the guilt for what they done. Though if Campbell is stupid enough not to realize he’s wrong, he’ll probably just get distracted by something shiny.

Tatooine – Thrown to the Rancor

The Rancor ("Star Wars," 1977)


Colin Campbell is the insolent knave to our Jabba the Hutt. Now it’s time for him to be thrown to the hideous beast. While in the subterranean cave, Campbell will be devoured and torn apart.

Sounds like a decent punishment, especially for a violent criminal like Matt Cooke. And Colin Campbell is starting to look like the Rancor. And Jabba for that matter.

U.S. Secret Prisons Abroad – Waterboarding

Actual image of "legal" activity somehow illegal. (4.bp.blogspot.com)


If torture is legal, we might as well use it on those who deserve it.

Norse Homelands – Blood eagle

The blood eagle practice being performed. (Stora Hammars stone from Gotland, Sweden)


Speaking of torture, this is one of my favorites. The actual existence of the procedure is debatable, but according to truthiness, the Vikings used it on enemies or those they otherwise disagreed with. They laid someone down on their stomach, broke some ribs away, tore out the lungs, and placed them on the “patient’s” back so as to resemble eagle wings. No anesthesia was used on the conscious, live victims.

Now many of you are probably saying this is a little much, but if Matt Cooke decided to rip off Savard’s head, I say we rip out his lungs. Besides, it’s not really going to happen, so settle down, everyone.

The Final Word

Colin Campbell is much too powerful. He’s like the Palpatine of the NHL. Much like David Stern is the Palpatine of the NBA. Much like Roger Goodell is the Palpatine of the NFL. Much like Bud Selig is the Palpatine of MLB. Seriously, league commissioners and other power figures have much too much power, and it’s up to us Ewoks to stop them. However it happens, power needs to be ripped away from these autocrats and redistributed more evenly among many people. I say we work off terrific haircut Troy Polamalu’s idea.

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