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Noted etiquette expert and New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie sparked controversy this week when he called New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady an “a**hole” for allegedly pointing to the Jets sideline after a touchdown during New England’s 45-3 victory in Week 13.
“Everybody’s seen the tape of him pointing and taunting at the sideline and at our players,” Cromartie said. “F**k him.”
Cromartie’s teammates confirmed the allegations of Brady’s antics by completely denying them:
“I’ve never seen him point at somebody,” said Darrelle Revis. “Like after they score a touchdown, I’m not looking at Tom Brady. I don’t know. I just go off to the sideline and make the corrections as best as we can. I’ve never heard him taunt or trash talk when I’ve been around him, no.”
Nor did Eric Smith or Tony Richardson, who insisted they’ve never heard Brady taunt or showboat. And David Harris said, “He’s not a real big trash-talker. He just goes out there and plays his game.”
Jets coach Rex Ryan, a famed proponent of family values, had no problem with Cromartie’s comments.
“We can say what’s on our mind,” Ryan said. “I don’t say, ‘Don’t say this or don’t say that.’ “
Cromartie, who has fathered nine children with eight women and been named in at least five paternity suits in the past two years, feels that Brady is disrespectful and of low moral standing. In short…an a**hole.
So, IS Brady an asshole? Let’s look at the facts:
1. Brady’s got hair like Justin Beiber. Justin Beiber has got to be an a-hole, doesn’t he? Just look at him. The Transitive Property of Stupid Hair states that if haircut A belongs to an a-hole, and celebrity B has the same haircut, then Celebrity B must therefore equal… well, the math is too complicated to detail here, but trust me, it doesn’t look good for Brady. Point: Cromartie.
2. It’s commonly accepted that a superstar player who becomes known for regularly making celebratory gestures on the field after big plays would surely have to be an a**hole. The etiquette of sport demands that players, especially ones who have won many championships, refrain from making visible on-field celebratory gestures, and instead act like they have “been there before.” That type of showboating is unacceptable behavior, and would deserve all the controversy it provokes. Point: Cromartie.
3. Tom Brady drives in Boston. Therefore Brady is a Boston driver. Therefore Brady is an a-hole. Point: Cromartie.
4. Perhaps the most damaging evidence of Brady’s a-hole-ishness: He has often worn a New York Yankees hat in public. Yes, it’s true. It’s common knowledge that anyone wearing a Yankees hat is approximately 95% likely to be an a-hole. Point: Cromartie.
So the evidence clearly indicates that Antonio Cromartie must be correct: Tom Brady is an a-hole. Brady will have to find a way to live with that, with only his three Super Bowl rings, his NFL MVP award, his celebrity status, his supermodel wife, his huge salary, his Hall of Fame career and the adoration of millions to console himself with. Clearly, this a-hole is no Antonio Cromartie.