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The Patriot Way: The “Brilliant” Trade for Albert Haynesworth

Albert Haynesworth (AP Photo)

When I first woke up to Toucher & Rich on my iHome talking about the Patriots offer of a 2013 5th round draft pick to acquire the eponymous Albert Haynesworth in a trade with the Redskins, I was a little wary. Not only has he been unproductive in his two years in Washington, he has actually gone so far as to be counter-productive. It’s almost as if he has tried to make his team worse.

He scares teammates; because at 6’6” and 350 lbs, he finds no problem physically assaulting them. He literally lies down in the middle of crucial in-game plays. He refuses to play in certain schemes. He refuses to play on certain downs. He has a reputation for being out of shape and lazy. He purposely stomps on opposing player’s heads. And that’s just football.

Out of his uniform, he offers up a practically philosophical disregard for woman, a penchant for racing his Ferrari to 100 miles an hour, and doesn’t make payments on millions worth of loans. His rapsheet rivals any other professional athlete in the United States.

Also, please don’t forget the fact that two years ago, the Patriots traded away one of their franchise defensive players in Richard Seymour, who happens to be 6’6” and 300+ lbs. The Haynesworth trade only highlights the fact that Seymour never should have left New England; since they’re now signing his possibly-a-little-more-talented-but-absolutely-more psychotic and undeniably less reliable counterpart.

But after thinking it over, and listening to countless members of Patriots’ nation tell me that Belichick definitely knows what he is doing -that Haynesworth will be a changed man when he steps foot into the shining beacon of football legend and prosperity that is Foxboro, Massachusetts – I have changed my mind.

The fact that he is inherently indolent and whiny, albeit massive, will all change once he is placed under the Belichick rule. I’m sure that he’ll find a benching following a little press conference hijinx to be an appropriate consequence for his insubordination. He’ll probably become misty eyed while Tom Brady and Matt Light recount stories of the glory days and spout rhetoric about “winning one more for the Gipper.” I bet he’ll even ask to try on their rings, and maybe make an impromptu speech about how he vows to be a new man and make this the last time he ever has to wear someone else’s ring.

He’ll create a new destiny, and he and Vince Wilfork will become besties like Brady/Moss and Mankins/Light; always standing the sidelines together and chest-bumping their combine 700 lbs. after demolishing one offense after another.  He’ll be Comeback Player of the Year, and in a teary-speech he’ll talk about how Michael Vick inspired him to believe he could change his life and fulfill his potential as a football player and a human being.

Maybe he’ll start a charity for battered women and guys who are paralyzed after being hit by speeding cars. It could really be a monumental moment in the Patriots’ quests to turn ill-fated talent into superstars again.

In light of this brilliant move by Belichick and the Patriots organization, I have compiled a list of ways in which the Patriots and the various other organizations within the Boston market could continue on this path of luminous logic.

  • The Red Sox fire Terry Francona after their 100th win and hire Barry Bonds as manager under the pretense that he would be a good influence on the players as not only a manager but a “life coach”
  • Danny Ainge trades Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen to the Miami Heat for Mario Chalmers and a future 2nd round pick, then brings in Allen Iverson because he really wants every top 10 pick from the 1990’s to play on the Celtics at some point before they retire
  • The Patriots sit Tom Brady for the first 6 games of the regular season, since most people won’t be in shape anyway and Ryan Mallett needs reps
  • The Bruins move their franchise to New Mexico
  • Theo brings Manny Ramirez out of retirement as a relief pitcher – you know, for the inordinate amount of 15 inning games they’ve had this season
  • Cam Neely initiates a trade for Tim Thomas to the Vancouver Canucks for Alexandre Burrows, and changes all Bruins foam fingers to be insertable into a foam mouth
  • Doc Rivers makes Glen Davis team captain so that Glen Davis can stop calling himself Glen Davis in the third person and start calling himself ‘el Capitan’ in the third person
  • Harvard University asks LeBron James to speak at the Class of 2012 Commencement
  • The city of Boston finances a Roger Clemens statue to be erected outside of Fenway
  • The Celtics un-retire Larry Bird’s number because it’s a palindrome and it’s easier for Glen Davis to remember, and Glen Davis doesn’t like the number 11 because it rhymes with seven which reminds Glen Davis of heaven, and Glen Davis doesn’t want to die yet
  • The Patriots wait for Albert Haynesworth to start acting like himself, and trade him to the Oakland Raiders for Richard Seymour

These are just some of the ways that everyone could take a page from the New England Patriots’ book of “Irrational Decisions That Are Rationalized Because Our Teams Win a Lot.”

So welcome aboard, Albert. Try not to let the glare of New England’s rose-colored glasses blind you.

About Tanya Ray Fox - @TanyaRay18

I am 24 years old, and I work on the sports desk for the premier Boston sports station, Comcast SportsNet New England. My first and lasting love is with the New England Patriots, and then I split my allegiances between the Sox, Celtics and Bruins. I have grown up here and have a passion for all things Boston sports, not just because it is an amazing sports town, but because as a writer we are blessed to always have something to talk about!

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