|Patriots 2014-15 Position Review: Linebacker||Lackluster Trio of Games Makes Bruins Playoff Chances Uncertain||Swihart, Rodriguez Assigned to Triple-A Pawtucket Roster||Video: Marcus Smart Uppercuts Matt Bonner in Low Blow|
In a move sure to please anyone named Sasha Pavlovic, the Celtics re-signed Sasha Pavlovic to a one-year deal Monday. The move is undoubtedly a thing come true for Celtics fans, who best remember Pavlovic as the guy Ray Allen made cry during the 2008 NBA Finals.
Wait, that was Sasha Vujacic? Then who the hell did the Celtics sign?
For those unfamiliar with Pavlovic… join the club. The Celtics signed Pavlovic back in March after he finished his third 10-day contract of the 2010-11 season, this one with the Hornets. Apparently, no one wanted him for longer than that.
Pavlovic averaged 8.8 valueless minutes in 17 games for the Celtics, kicking in a completely forgettable 1.8 points and 0.9 rebounds. If math isn’t your thing, remember: that’s fewer than one basket and board per game.
An NBA player since 2003 – when he was somehow drafted 19th overall – Pavlovic has never won anything or been named anything important. When GMs talk about Pavlovic, they most commonly mention that he played on the 2006-07 Eastern Conference-champion Cleveland Cavaliers. Basically, the best thing about Pavlovic is LeBron James.
Pavlovic is so nondescript that he couldn’t even distinguish himself in the YUBA League, the not-so-uber-competitive professional basketball league of Bulgaria.
He did play for KK Budućnost Podgorica during their YUBA League-championship 2000-01 season, somehow averaging even fewer points than he averaged for the Celtics.
Still, Pavlovic’s signing is great for GM Danny Ainge. Instead of having to actually work towards improving the roster by signing a player with talent, Ainge can instead just offer a contract to Pavlovic, who would probably accept Upper Deck basketball cards with his name on them as payment.
Of course, Pavlovic brings with him fantastic intangibles. His body is tailor-made for the fold-down chairs he will spend most of his time sitting on, and the Celtics’ green uniforms really bring out his eyes. He also has no discernible interests, hobbies or political opinions, essentially guaranteeing he won’t generate any team-disrupting headlines (or headlines of any sort, for that matter) during the season.
Additionally, there’s pretty much no chance Pavlovic can have a worse season for the Celtics than he did last season, unless of course he slips into a coma while watching other people play basketball. And even then, a comatose Pavlovic lying at center court would still probably play defense about as well. And hey, if someone trips over him, he might draw a charge!
The Celtics made a terrific PR decision when they re-signed Pavlovic. After all, he’s the not-as-talented, Serbian version of Brian Scalabrine, and Celtics fans loved Scal, right?
Pavlovic can start not doing anything meaningful for the Celtics on Christmas Day. If you don’t forget he’s on the team between now and then, don’t worry:
You’ll have plenty of time to forget he’s not on the team during the season.