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What Did We Learn This Week?
Jan. 29 – Feb. 5
1. The Super Bowl prop bets are much more interesting than the actual Super Bowl. You can bet on anything if you’re desperate enough. As of now, the odds are still even on whether the coin toss will be heads or tails. (Come on tails! Come ON!) Will the first punt of the game be longer or shorter than 44.5 yards? How many times will Gisele Bundchen be shown on TV? Will the call on the first coaches’ challenge of the game be overturned or upheld? What color will the Gatorade be when the players dump it on the winning coach? You can lose money on any of those important issues.
2. Is Fake Tom Brady more interesting than the real Tom Brady? Probably not. But intentionally or not, he made fools of a bunch of reporters, which is always funny. And it must have been him who was playing QB for the Pats against the Ravens in the AFC title game.
3. The Bruins lose to Carolina yet AGAIN. Whatever the Bruins number is, the Canes have it. Will the Bruins ever score off Cam Ward again? He owns them like… some guy who owns something a lot. This season, Ward is 4-0-0 with a 1.25 goals-against average and a surreal .965 save percentage against the Bruins.
4. This is Hype Week, and Hype Week always brings out attention whores: Vanilla Ice’s ex-girlfriend is using the platform of the Super Bowl to get attention for herself again, while the NFL is using her to try to appeal to a demographic that would otherwise have no interest in the game. The national sports media is using Madonna’s attention-grabs to generate interest in their stories during the newsless week before the Super Bowl. Everyone is using everyone for money. Why are we the only ones not getting paid here?
5. Just when you think this Red Sox team couldn’t get any less likable, they manage to find a way. New lousy pitcher Vicente Padilla was busted in Nicaragua for failing to pay child support for his tenth child. And Carl Crawford was accused of stealing. Crawford was caught stealing six times last year, but this is a different kind of stealing: a monetary swindle. Just like his awful contract is a huge swindle of the Red Sox.
6. The Red Sox can’t or won’t pay anything for much-needed starting pitchers, unlike the big-market, big-money… Washington Nationals? One year after handing $140 million to a left fielder who doesn’t get on base, and two years after giving John Lackey $80 million to be as annoying as possible while also being one of the worst pitchers in history, the Sox now “can’t afford” Edwin Jackson or Roy Oswalt on relatively cheap one-year contracts. They suddenly just can’t compete economically with the Natinals.
7. There’s no need to watch the Super Bowl. According to their official website, the Giants have already won Super Bowl XLVI, on February 5 2012. Might as well forget the game and watch Downton Abbey instead.