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For the past couple weeks Deadspin’s Drew Magary has been posting his annual “Why Your Team Sucks” series, a scathing (and highly accurate) review of the reasons why each NFL teams sucks.
Yesterday he posted his Patriots edition, and while it was pretty thorough, I—as a Boston sports fan—couldn’t pass up an opportunity for some needless self-loathing, so I decided to
rant, whether you like it or not, about share the reason I hate the team I love so much.
It’s not the latently racist love for white/scrappy/blue-collar/underdog/lunch pail players. Or the incessant invocation of THE PATRIOT WAY. Or the obnoxious fair-weather fans whose football acumen is limited to reminding everyone of how many more rings Brady has than Peyton. Or that our secondary couldn’t cover a sleeping basset hound with the largest goddamn lawn tarp money can buy. Or that we idolize our perfect owner and his perfect marriage, even though last decade he tried to move the team to Hartford, and he’s spent the last year dating a blonde actress half his age and creepily appearing in her screen tests.
Those aren’t the reasons. Every team has those issues or some variation thereof. But every team doesn’t have Bill Belichick.
He’s the reason I hate this team, and not just because of the whole Spygate thing, though trust me, that’s part of it. God forbid I tell someone I’m a Pats fan, because then I’m branded as some mindless follower of a belief system built on lies and hate, like I’m a member of football’s equivalent of the Westboro Baptist Church.
No, to know why I hate Belichick (and by extension the Pats), you need to look at Alabama coach Nick Saban: A controlling, stubborn ass with all the personality and cadence of a Speak & Spell. A shameless opportunist. The archetypical malevolent football coach loathed by everyone besides those who buy into his bullcrap cult of personality because he wins their team games. You hate Nick Saban. We all do.
Well, know where Saban learned all that? Bill Belichick. Saban coached underneath Belichick in Cleveland. The two are even “close friends,” that is if one were to believe these two men are capable of human emotions and maintaining meaningful interpersonal relationships.
But the difference is Saban couldn’t hack it in the NFL. It was too intense for him. He didn’t have the stomach or complete lack of a soul to step up his manipulative skills and sociopathic behavior to the next level. Belichick, meanwhile, has mastered it. Embraced it. Loves it. Nick “We Do It My Way” Saban is a kindler, gentler, more reasonable version of Bill Belichick.
And that legitimately terrifies me.