|Ciao Bella! Celtics Open Pre-Season with win in Milan, Italy||Drew Brees Joins Tom Brady as Members of the 400 Club||Red Sox Season Finale Sees Orsillo’s Last Call, Farrell, Lovullo Announcement||Connelly’s Top Ten: Season Over, Bye Over, Old Restaurants|
Apparently Wes Welker’s wife forgot to add one item to her scathing Ray Lewis rant on Facebook: Cheater.
Mitch Ross, who owns Sports with Alternatives to Steroids (SWATS), claims he spoke with Lewis over the phone after the long-time Baltimore Ravens linebacker suffered the injury during a Week 6 win over the Dallas Cowboys. According to Ross, Lewis requested SWATS products to speed up his recovery, which included holographic stickers for his elbow, a beam-ray light to sleep under, negatively charged water, as well as deer antler pills and deer antler extract to spray under his tongue.
Holographic stickers? Deer antler extract? “Alternatives to Steroids”? That all sounds totally legitimate, don’t you think?
The deer antler extract reportedly contains IGF-1, which is a derivative of HGH and banned by the NFL. Lewis vehemently denies using performance enhancing drugs and has not tested positive in the league’s random testing, although the NFL claims IGF-1 is undetectable under the current testing policy.
Originally ruled out for the season at the time of the injury, Lewis missed just 10 games to return in time for the playoffs, recording 44 tackles in three games.
Coincidentally (or not, you connect the dots), Lewis announced he would retire at the end of Baltimore’s playoff run, which the Ravens rode all the way to Super Bowl XLVII.
When you think about it, this concludes a brilliant stretch for Lewis and his public relations team. First, his return from injury bolsters a team struggling as it enters the playoffs. Then, as if that’s not enough, he announces his impending retirement to motivate and inspire his team to win one for the face of their franchise (apologies to Joe Flacco).
Finally, having made it to the Super Bowl, the story of his PED use leaks to the media just in time for Media Day, the climax of the dragged out two-week hoopla where reporters search for any and every story line to maintain momentum heading into Sunday night. Now any discussion of that mysterious murder acquittal has been replaced with questions about Lewis’s possible PED use.
Of course, by the time any findings about his torn triceps spontaneously regenerating like a lizard tail are revealed, Lewis will be comfortably sitting at home, enjoying his retirement of playing Paul Rudd in Madden and caring for his six kids (shoutout to Anna Welker).
While Lewis may be unaffected, rest assured Mrs. Welker and the rest of Patriots nation will spend the rest of the offseason wondering what might have been if not for a little magical spritz of deer antler extract.