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A Red Sox Fan’s Guide to Jonny Gomes’s Commemorative World Series Tattoo

In case you missed it, Jonny Gomes got an enormous tattoo commemorating the 2013 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox. No, seriously:

Once I got over just how incredible that tattoo is — and went out and got one inked for myself, of course — I found myself left with so many unanswered questions that no Napoli tweet could satisfy. So I’m going to explore the answers myself in an attempt to help other Red Sox fans wondering what the heck is going on with all that ink, starting with:

Q: Why am I that much more excited about the arrival of spring training and the 2014 MLB season?

A: I know, I’m as weirded out as you are that an absurd Jonny Gomes tattoo gets to me that much. It happens. (I assume someone has felt that way about his arm tats?) But maybe the memory of that championship had faded. Maybe the loss of Jacoby Ellsbury had gotten to me more than I cared to admit. Maybe I was still depressed after the Patriots laid another egg in the AFC Championship. Maybe that tattoo arrived on Twitter just in time to remind me baseball season is coming, and the Red  Sox are defending champions. That fact has been etched in the history books (and, now, Gomes’s side) and no one can take it back from us.

Q: Why is Mike Napoli tweeting this photo?

A: No idea. This one is forever lost to the annals of history, if only because who are we to explain the tweets of a man who wanders the streets of Boston drunken and shirtless?

Q: Let’s get to the actual tattoo. What is going on? Is that Yosemite Sam in the duck boat parade?

A: No, Yosemite Sam had more of a mustache than the guy taking up residence on Gomes’s ribcage. But that beard does offer plenty of insight into how the Red Sox managed to have those beards hang around for so long (and still for Gomes and Napoli, though Napoli will be the only man standing soon; sorry, Mike). The beard of ink is a full, flowing, seemingly gloriously conditioned work of facial hair (so full in fact, that inked version of Gomes wouldn’t be able to see at the plate). Is that how Jonny Gomes saw himself in the mirror every morning? Is that how he justified the — I’m sorry for the graphic description in advance, but there’s no other way to put this — forest of red facial pubes? Because that’s what it is.

Q: What does that giant star up above have to do with anything?

A: It’s probably from a previous ink session, but that still begs the question, regardless of the World Series tattoo. But I mean, what does any of it have to do with anything? Why now? How is himself riding a duck boat not a tattoo he requested at 5 in the morning altering having punted seven Bud Lights and chugged countless champagne bottles? Even my answers are composed of questions.

Q: Why are the two dates “1918″ and “2013″ on the front of the duck boat?

A: Good question. It seems to imply that it’s been 95 years since the Red Sox last won the World Series, but thank the Lord that’s not the case. Did Gomes forget what everyone and their mother knows, that the Red Sox ended that drought in 2004 (and then again in 2007for good measure! Yippee!)? Why aren’t they on there? I’m guessing Gomes wants to be remembered as part of the gang the ended the Curse of the Bambino — if only when he looks at himself in the mirror.

 Q: Is the duck boat the one Jake Peavy bought?

A: This goes without saying.

Q: Why the American flag flying behind Gomes’s bearded likeness?

A: American League champions? I would have foregone the flag myself, because it only opens the door for skeptics who question the validity of a “World” Series when the only MLB team outside of America is the Toronto Blue Jays. But who am I to rain on Gomes’s parade — seriously, he now has a parade marching across his torso — and tell him otherwise? This is Amuhrcia, and Gomes is a champion, and there’s no arguing with that tattoo. End of (picture) story.

Now all that remains to be seen is what Gomes will do for an encore in 2014. Let the title defense begin.

About Nick Bohlen - @ndbohlen

Nick is an editor and regular contributor for the Patriots, Celtics, and Red Sox sections of SoB. (Despite growing up in Vermont, just a short drive from Canada, hockey never really caught on with him.) Follow him on twitter: @ndbohlen

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