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New England: The New Retirement Spot for Elderly Athletes

Tim Wakefield in his younger days.

Is Gillette Stadium wheelchair accessible? At the 50 yard-line? Willie McGinest, Tedy Bruschi and Junior Seau would like to know.

I’m pretty sure the reason Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball is all-star worthy this year is because of the mass amounts of beer Wakefield drinks before and after games. It’s definitely not steroids. The guy looks like my dad and looks like he drinks like him too, you’ve seen the beer gut on the guy. The knuckleball becomes tipsier the drunker he is during the games he pitches. That’s my theory.

The New England Area has become a great retirement spot for elderly players. Much like Florida for regular old people, athletes at the end of their career make one last stop in New England so they can retire. I think it’s called the fountain of youth: a championship.

Rasheed Wallace, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett won’t be running sprints up and down the court. If Grant Hill had joined he would have supplied the prune juice.

Brushci has bragging rights over “The Old Three.” Seau and WcGinest haven’t had near-death experiences. Bruschi is definitely the most experienced old person on the squad having survived a stroke. He is coaching Seau and McGinest on how to deal with their old age.

John Smoltz describes the phenomenon of New England: “I think players get stronger when they get here. I’ve been bench pressing 300 lbs for three days straight now. I love Boston.”

Kevin Garnett has actually grown a few more inches since coming to Boston. He explains, “I actually couldn’t play last season toward the end there, not because I was hurt, but because my body was multiplying too fast that I couldn’t handle it. Have you ever seen that movie Cacoon? Yeah, it’s like that, I just needed time to regroup for next season. I’m actually 7’4” now.” Garnett exclaimed, “Anything is Possible!”

There’s something about the possibility of winning a championship that erases all greed for wealth. Wallace hasn’t won a championship. Smoltz is on his last leg. Wakefield is just reaping the benefits of drinking and old age. He’ll probably pitch in the majors till he’s 70…wait…that’s as hard as he throws. “The Old Three” of the Patriots might not be the immediate key to success for the Patriots, but I think Bruschi might just be on the field to tell Mayo and Guyton where the play is going before it happens—or Seau is there just to scare opposing players into not hitting him in case he drops dead on the field. Willie McGinest was coming into the league more than a decade ago. But it’s like they’re getting stronger. The more Wakefield drinks the stronger he gets. The older Ray Allen gets, and worse his eyes get from old age, the better he is at shooting.

The shine of the potential championship is what’s keeping all the old timers in Boston alive. Wakefield and Smoltz pitch against rookies whose Dad’s are the same age. New England is the new retiring spot for big-name players hoping to win one championship and then retire. Fine by New England fans I am sure.

(Note: All quotes are false)

About Jimmy

I am a free lance journalist right out of college aspiring to write in Sports. When I'm not free lancing or hunting for a job to pay the bills I am blogging on this site, watching Sportscenter, browsing the web, watching the Sox or hanging with my friends.

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3 comments for “New England: The New Retirement Spot for Elderly Athletes”

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    Posted by Today’s Celtics Links 7/26 « New England Sports 24/7 | July 26, 2009, 2:19 pm
  2. Note: All quotes are FALSE.)


    Posted by Jon | July 26, 2009, 7:24 pm
  3. […] of a sports mecca. Let’s get that out of the way to start. Like the real Mecca, it seems like people of a certain age are drawn to make a pilgrimage here, usually towards the end of their careers. The Founding Father of this website, Kevin Garnett […]

    Posted by Boston’s Creaky Champs | Sports of Boston | August 1, 2009, 11:12 am

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