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I realize that the purpose of this Web site is to provide news and opinions concerning the Boston sports scene, but I can’t ignore this story any longer—we need to talk about Tiger Woods.
Since Tiger decided to release his pent-up hatred for luxury SUV’s by ramming his into a tree a couple weeks ago, news of the legendary golfer’s extramarital affairs have been the topic of fodder on every channel from ESPN to CNN. And even though his sexual conquests and decision to step away from golf for a while have little to do with anything going on here in the Bay State, we here at Sports of Boston could hardly consider ourselves upstanding members of the Fourth Estate without weighing in on this torrid tale of sexual escapades.
Woods’ number of alleged mistresses is quickly climbing into the teens, and nine of them have been identified. Personally, I find this reprehensible. Tiger Woods, a man with a previously spotless reputation, a man with a gorgeous wife and children, turns out to have multiple mistresses, and no one, I mean no one, has even bothered to put together a list ranking these ladies. That’s just plain wrong, and I intend on righting this injustice. Ladies and gentleman, without further delay: The 2009 Tiger Woods Mistresses Power Rankings (click the mistress’ name for a picture).
Really Tiger? You’re going to risk your marriage and millions of dollars to hook-up with a pancake house waitress who lives in a trailer park? What, were you trying to make Larry The Cable Guy jealous? If you are going to hook up with some random white-trash, at least have her look something like Jaime Pressly on My Name Is Earl. I’m not saying Mindy is hideous, but one glance at her and you realize why Plan B and Facebook privacy settings were invented. On the bright side though, I have something in common with Tiger Woods…we both like pancake houses.
The 24-year-old Grubbs supposedly tried to get into Playboy, made a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend and was on VH1’s Tool Academy. That Triple Crown of skankdom would usually be enough to place her dead last in these rankings, but she is luckily spared that dubious honor by being in the same company as a 33-year-old pancake house waitress that lives in a trailer park. If you can consider that “lucky.”
Her name is Kalika. That’s strikes one through three in my book. However, she was able to redeem herself somewhat through her charitable act of having a nose big enough to breath for a majority of the people in her hometown of Las Vegas. That’s quite noble of you Kalika, maybe in return the fine people of Las Vegas will help you pick a name that doesn’t sound like a third-world venereal disease.
The first of two porn actresses to appear in the power rankings (if you don’t count Grubbs amateur production), Sampson is the star of cinematic gems such as OMG, Stop Tickling Me and Flying Solo. She also played Fred Savage’s love interest in a 1989 episode of The Wonder Years. If Winnie was jealous then, she can be comfortable in knowing her former rival is now a porn actress with a face that appears to be vacuum-sealed for freshness.
A veteran of the New York club scene, the 31-year-old Rist was flown by Woods to various locations for meetings that I’m sure were nothing but wholesome. It’s even reported that she introduced her 7-year-old son to the golfer. Though quite the looker, Rist fails to appear higher up in the rankings due the fact that she is 31, has a 7-year-old son yet for some reason has nothing to put on her resume other than “veteran of the New York club scene.” Well, that and “banged Tiger Woods.”
Not much is known about Jungers outside of the fact that she’s a smoking hot, worked as a model for Trashy Girls Lingerie, met Woods at a Vegas casino and had a session of carnal relations with him that lasted for two hours. Wow, two hours? For anyone who doesn’t think golfers are great athletes, I submit that last detail as People’s Exhibit A.
Succeeding where Jaimee Grubbs failed, Loredana was featured as Playboy’s “Cyber Girl of the Week” back in September of 2002, an achievement that makes her the most accomplished of Woods’ mistresses. Then again, in this list of winners, she could have completed a Sudoku puzzle in under 3 hours and still laid claim to that honor.
Better known to many men as Joslyn James, Siwik-Daniel is the less famous porn actress on this list, despite the fact that she’s much more attractive. Some sources claimed the Siwik-Daniel was Woods’ “full-time” mistress. Apparently she loved screwing dudes for money so much she decided to partake in the activity off the clock as well. Kudos to you Miss James/Siwik-Daniel, it’s that kind of work ethic that will help get this country out of our economic rut.
The first to be linked to Tiger, Uchitel is also first in the Power Rankings. This woman is a powerhouse. She’s by far the hottest woman on the list. She’s also been linked to Yankees Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, actor Stephen Dorff and mega-tool Ryan Seacrest. And to top it off, she and Tiger reportedly fueled their multiple trysts while under the influence of the sleeping pill Ambien. When you’re a rich and famous athlete, it takes little skill to bag porn stars, club girls and pancake house waitresses. But landing a bombshell that’s coveted by some of this country’s top bachelors and who likes to have sex while tripping on Ambien, that’s a Herculean effort. And that’s why Rachel Uchitel tops the 2009 Tiger Woods Mistress Power Rankings.