|Will The Sox Win The AL East?||Connelly’s Top Ten: Brady Being Poked, Pink Hats Strike Again, Stand Up!||Connelly’s Top Ten: Sox Managers Worse Than Farrell, Loaded 1966 All-Star Team, Brady-Belichick’s ‘Feud’||NBA Preview: 2016-2017 Boston Celtics|
According to the New York Post and other sources, newly acquired cornerback Antonio Cromartie has been forwarded $500,000 by the team in advance on his 2010 salary for paying child support to seven children by six women in five states. The Jets are being supportive by helping their new defender by advancing him the money, and Cromartie promises he will fulfill his responsibilities and will keep his personal and professional lives separate. But before his court date in California later in March, we have an exclusive transcript from an earlier TV appearance by Cromartie:
Antonio: That’s right, Maury. All these girls are just hos. They just want money.
Maury: But you did sleep with them?
Antonio: Yeah, but I was drinkin’ and they tricked me.
Maury: Oh, alcohol. (to audience) As if that’s never happened before. We’ve also got with us Nikki, the mother of your oldest alleged child Tyree. (to Nikki) Now Nikki, why exactly is Antonio the father?
Nikki: Just look at my baby. Same nose, same eyes, that came from Antonio; they look exactly alike.
Antonio: Nah, nah, dat girl be lyin’.
Nikki: Shut up, I’m 1,000% sure you are the father.
Maury: Well let’s just settle this right now, because I’ve got the results of the paternity test right here. (takes envelope from aide, reading) Anotnio, in the case of five year old Tyree, you are the father.
Nikki: Hah! I told you! I told you!
Antonio: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Maury: Calm down, everybody. Antonio, you have one child now, and could have six more. You need to take responsibility for you child and do the right thing. (to audience) We also have with us Angela, the mother of your alleged daughters, Laquisha and Heaven. (to Angela) Angela, why is Antonio the father?
Angela: Maury, my girls each have the exact same facial structures. Same nose, same eyes, same ears, same mouth, he is the father. I’m 10,000% sure he is the father.
Maury: Well I don’t want to wait, I have the results here. (takes envelope from aide, reading) In the case of four year old Laquisha, Antonio, you are the father.
Angela: That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.
Maury: (reading) In the case of three year old Heaven, Antonio, you are the father.
Angela: Yeah, told you punk.
Antonio: (incoherent sigh)
Justine: Maury, my baby has the same crooked penis as Antonio. That’s his baby.
Maury: The same crooked penis?
Justine: That’s right, Maury. It shifts to the left just like Antonio’s. I’m 1,000,000% sure that’s his baby.
Maury: Well, alright then. (takes envelope from aide, reading) In the case of three year old Terrell, Antonio, you are the father.
Justine: (defensive) What, what?
Raven: Maury, he’s the only guy I slept with when I got pregnant, he is the father; I’m one billion percent sure.
Antonio: That’s bulls**t.
Raven: Shut up, I’m not a ho; you’re the ho. You’re the one trollin’ around for booty in every city.
Maury: Calm down, calm down, there’s nothing that can come of this. Let’s just look at the results; that’s the important thing is here. (takes envelope from aide, reading) In the case of two year old Trevon, Antonio, you are the father.
Raven: See, what did I tell you?
Antonio: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Asia: Maury, he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. I’m a googol percent sure he’s my baby’s daddy.
Asia: (glares angrily)
Maury: Before this gets any more heated, let’s just find out the results. (takes envelope from aide, reading) In the case of one year old Aaiyah, Antonio, you are the father.
Antonio: Yeah, yeah, I see.
Jasmine: Maury, my psychic told me Antonio is the father of my baby girl.
Maury: Wait, your Psychic told you that he was the father?
Jasmine: That’s right Maury, my psychic look at my palms and her cards and told me without a doubt he is the daddy. I’m infinity to the infinityeth power sure he is.
Antonio: Oh come on, did she read sheep entrails too?
Jasmine: Hey, psychics are good people; they mean something.
Antonio: Yeah, those fakes mean whatever you want them to.
Jasmine: No they don’t, they no a lot more than you do.
Maury: Well let’s just find out if the psychic was right or not, shall we? (takes envelope from aide, reading) In the case of six month old old Precious, Antonio, you are the father.
Jasmine: Hah, you are the father.
Maury: Well, how about that? A clean sweep. (to Antonio) Antonio, you’re the father of all seven of these children. Are you going to live up to you responsibilities as a father?
Antonio: Yeah, I’m a man, Maury. I’ll admit I was wrong, and I’ll do what I have to do.
Maury: (to audience) Well there you have it. Let’s hope Antonio does what he promises to. That’s all the time we have for today. Until next time, America.