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A consortium of celebrity Boston Red Sox fans today announced that they have purchased the naming rights to Yankee Stadium, and might change the name to A.H.O.L.E. Stadium.
The group, led by Red Sox owner John Henry and celebrity fans such as Ben Affleck and Denis Leary, among others, made an anonymous bid of over $100 million per season.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner accepted the bid, reportedly without realizing that it was from the Red Sox fan organization. According to unnamed sources, when Steinbrenner signed the contract, he was under the mistaken impression that he was actually signing an agreement to once again hire Billy Martin to manage the Yankees.
Members of the Red Sox group have not yet officially announced what they’ll be naming the Stadium this season, but they are mulling over several ideas.
“We’ll probably go with something that reflects the names of the biggest investors,” said Henry, “which would be Ben Affleck, myself, Conan O’Brien, Denis Leary and Eliza Dukshu. So we’ll probably call it Affleck-Henry-O’Brien-Leary-Eliza Stadium, or A.H.O.L.E. Stadium.”
According to Affleck, the group is also considering reselling the naming rights to other groups. “One possibility is the next “Jackass” movie,” he said. “Jackass Stadium has a nice ring to it. And if Tidy Bowl bids enough, we could always call it the Toilet Bowl.”
Group member and author Stephen King is in favor of a different name. “I’m an expert on horror stories, and nothing was as horrifying for Yankee fans as their huge choke in the 2004 playoffs, the biggest choke in the history of the game,” he pointed out. “I think we should honor that by calling it Choker Stadium.”
Leary was in favor of a compromise, suggesting the name A.H.O.L.E.-Jackass-Toilet Bowl-Choker Field at-That-D-Bag-A-Rod Sucks-and-Jeter-Swallows-Stadium. “That gets the point across, and will keep us from any trouble with truth-in-advertising laws,” he said.
(Clearly, this isn’t true. But imagine if it was! April Fools!)