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Just when you thought the storm was over and we were possibly getting to the finish line of this story, we end up coming to the biggest surprise of the entire ordeal.
In a revealing press conference this morning before their game against Minnesota, the entire Red Sox roster appeared before the local and national press to confess their dirty, dirty secret. According to them, every member of the current Red Sox roster has had sexual relations with disgraced professional golfer Tiger Woods.
What is even more shocking is that none of the Red Sox playes were aware of the fact that each of their teammates were sleeping with Tiger.
Red Sox stolen base king, Jackoby Ellsbury, commented on the situation:
“Tiger got in touch me with me after the season (no pun intended, eh Jacoby?) and he told me he liked the way I move on the basepaths. I was very flattered”
Newly acquired starter John Lackey had no choice in the matter:
“Yeah, they told me that if I wanted that fifth year in my deal that I would have to sleep with Tiger. Looking back, I would have accepted four years.”
This revelation actually explains a lot about the sudden power outage to Sox DH David Ortiz:
“It’s no secret that I struggled last season. I learned Tiger was sleeping with Jocelyn James. Me and Tiger had something special and my mind was just in a different place at the start of last year.”
Reliever Jonathan Papelbon was none too pleased with his teammates:
“It’s unbelievable, really. According to everyone’s stories, I was the last of us to sleep with Tiger. Great, I’m the closer on this team on and off the field.”
Lastly, Sox knuckleballer Tim Wakefield revealed the secret to his latest success:
“Hey, how else would I have made the All-Star roster?”
So there you have it. There is no line that Tiger will not cross in his sexual escapades. The sadder story though is the fact that the Red Sox are one of the sluttiest teams in baseball. Who will be the next to fall? Have any other teams been as promiscuous as Boston? I’m looking at you Minnesota…I heard Tiger has a thing for twins.
In other news…APRIL FOOL’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!