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New Sports Rules: Free Agency, Cycling, and Soul Patches

Kevin Cash (Image from

Sports leagues are always experimenting with new rules to try and improve their games. But why only make rules for the players on the field? Why not also make new rules for the fans, officials, and the media who cover them? Besides the obvious fact that it would be out of their jurisdictions and utterly unenforceable, I mean.

In a (hopefully) occasionally recurring feature, here are some suggested rules for improving sports.

1. Baseball players:

If you can’t hit at least .180, then you are banned from wearing a soul patch on your face.

Punishment for violations: mockery, disdain, and being sent to the minors as soon as possible, like Kevin Cash or Dusty Brown. Soul patches are for hitters who don’t suck.

2. Cycling:

If you aren’t riding your bicycle at least 20 miles, then you are no longer allowed to wear a cycling jersey and tight shorts.

Punishment for violations: you will be going around in public thinking you look like this guy, when actually you will look like this guy this guy or this guy.

3. Free agency:

If you are leaving your hometown team, the only pro team you’ve ever played for, to take less money to try to win a title somewhere else, then you are no longer allowed to turn the announcement into a huge attention-whoring ego-fest on national TV.

Punishment for violations: You will go from being viewed by most fans as a great player and decent guy to being generally loathed and resented.

4. American soccer “experts”:

You’re not allowed to use twee Britishisms when American vernacular will do just fine. You’re still from the U.S., so it’s still a soccer team wearing uniforms playing a game on a soccer field, not a football side wearing kits playing a tie on a pitch. Stop trying to impress people, and stop being insufferable dorks.

Punishment for violations: you will make everyone around you dislike soccer.

5. Reading and listening to the sports media:

If a pundit or columnist says something controversial that angers you, you are no longer allowed to call their radio station, or click on their internet articles, or give them any attention at all. It’ll only encourage them, and it’s exactly what they want you to do, like pro wrestling villains who want the rubes in the crowd to boo. They are trying to push your buttons. That’s all they want to do. So stop giving them the reaction they crave.

Punishment for violations: you’ll end up hearing them say even dumber and more controversial things to try to get attention for themselves.

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