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Welcome back to my weekly NFL Power Rankings! With Week 5 in the books, how do the teams stack up? Who has raised their NFL stock, and who has shown their true colors and proven that they actually suck?
Without further ado, my expert NFL Rankings of good news and suckitude through Week 5 (last week’s ranking for each team is in parentheses):
The good news? With a bye week, the Rams couldn’t shoot themselves in the foot a fifth time. The bad news? They can’t fall any further in the rankings anyway, so it’s not like they have anything to lose.
The quarterback position comes down to Sage Rosenfels and Matt Moore (not the electric Tampa Bay Rays pitcher, although the Dolphins might want to look into signing him). I can’t wait for the Patriots to play Miami again.
After blowing leads of 17-0 and 24-7 to the Kansas City Chiefs, the Colts look like a solid frontrunner to Suck for Luck.
Spoiler alert: Kevin Kolb sucks! With three more turnovers against the Vikings, he now has coughed up the ball nine times in five games. Who would have thought that trade wouldn’t work out for either the Cardinals or the Eagles?
In a rare motivational ploy, Coach Jack del Rio tried to bring out his team’s inner Jaguar by telling them to claw their way to a win. Sadly, Blaine Gabbert’s receivers took del Rio literally and tried to make catches by swiping at the ball with curled fingers and yelling, “Rawr!”
It’s Tebow Time! Tim Tebow, now officially the Broncos starter, entered the game in the second half to spark the Broncos offense. The team responded by coming up short in another loss.
Adrian Peterson had three touchdowns after finally getting some touches (29 rushes for 122 yards) to lead the Vikings past Donovan McNabb for a victory.
Tarvaris Jackson’s injury might be the best thing that happened to this Seahawks team.
I would say what a comeback, as Matt Cassel tossed 4 TDs in a 28-24 win, BUT they had to mount a comeback against the Colts. And no, I’m not proud of that pun, either.
The Phillies lost to the St. Louis Cardinals, Arby’s claims to have great Philly cheesesteaks, and Michael Vick throws four picks to extend the Eagles losing streak to four games. Rough week for Philly. Speaking of streaks, my streak of mentioning cheesesteaks in the Power Rankings is up to two. And counting.
The Panthers lost again, but they are a surprisingly tough team to beat behind the duo of Cam Newton and Steve Smith. Unlike the Jaguars, they understand “claw out a win” shouldn’t be taken literally.
Peyton Hillis wants a contract extension, hasn’t gotten it, and now isn’t sure if he’s going to be in Cleveland long-term. I know you’ve had a rough time, Clevelanders, but at least leave the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame alone. You don’t have to punish the rest of us for your sports misery.
The Bears offensive line is so pathetic that Jay Cutler might have to find a new career as a crash test dummy.
After building a 14-0 lead against Green Bay, the Falcons dove out of sight behind Matt Ryan’s paltry 167 yards and two INTs. Turns out being nicknamed “Matty Ice” after a foul-tasting brew isn’t that great after all.
New York committed so many penalties, I was surprised they didn’t start clapping and jumping around after each one and say, “Yay! Look at the pretty colors!” It’s also possible the Jets thought they were at a petting zoo and wanted to feed the referees rather than stop the Patriots offense.
Andy Dalton has been surprisingly competent, but scouts still have one major criticism with him: Dalton’s ginger hair clashes terribly with the orange on the Bengal uniforms.
THERE is the Eli Manning I know and love. On the other hand, I already hate the David Tyree potential of Victor Cruz.
After that black eye of an embarrassing 45 point loss, all you can really say is “Arrrrgggghhhhh!” and try to hide it with your eye patch.
Are we sure Tony Romo didn’t manage to cost the Cowboys a win even though they had a bye?
Chris Johnson’s 250 yards are slightly more than the 228 yards he picked up over the course of a single game against Tampa Bay in 2009. So who hates Chris Johnson more: Titans fans, his fantasy owners, or the Occupy Wall Street protesters?
Ben Roethlisberger threw for five touchdowns to lead the Steelers to a big divisional win, living up to his nickname, “That Clocktower in London.”
The Texans best defensive player, Mario Williams, is done for the year with a torn pectoral muscle. Great news for a team with a history of collapsing!
In honor of Al Davis, the Raiders were outgained by 200 yards, had only 11 first downs to Houston’s 21, and held the ball for only 25 minutes. Luckily Al Davis subscribed to the mantra, “Just win, baby!”
What can I say about the Redskins? No, seriously, I have no idea what to write about them after a bye week. I can only make fun of Rex Grossman for so long.
After pummeling the Bucs for a 48-3 win, is it possible that Alex Smith is the second coming of Joe Montana, poised to lead the 49ers deep into the playoffs? Nahhhh.
Joe Flacco spent most of the bye week figuring out that his name is almost like Shane Falco, the quarterback played by Keanu Reeves in The Replacements. That’s right. Joe Flacco is The One.
I’m not saying the Bills aren’t good, but let me know when they have a quality win that doesn’t depend on four giftwrapped interceptions from the opposing quarterback. Signed, Bitter Patriots Fans Everywhere.
Normally I would be concerned the Chargers gave Tebow and the Broncos a last second chance to win the game, but I think they felt bad for John Fox and wanted him to feel like he wasn’t misled listening to a stadium of drunken fans.
With 359 passing yards and 2 TDs, Drew Brees certainly knows how to make that scar look incredibly sexy.
The Patriots can run the ball? The Patriots can run the ball! BenJarvus Green-Ellis tallied 136 hard-fought rushing yards, leading to countless legal puns, such as, “The Law Firm delivers the best closing arguments,” and “The Law Firm definitely set the precedent.” Just be glad Danny Woodhead didn’t lead the team to victory.
The Lions are undefeated through five weeks for the first time since 1956. The Tigers are in the ALCS. I don’t know whether to blame Detroit or Chicago for the fact that Detroit doesn’t have a team nicknamed “The Bears.”
Aaron Rodgers is spreading the ball around with surgical precision. Medical patients everywhere are thankful that metaphor isn’t used the other way around.