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What We Learned About the Red Sox this Week: Formulas for Failure

Opening Day (Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)

So 0-3 again. That sounds familiar.  Call me sadistic, but I’m starting to find the Red Sox total ineptitude to be kind of funny. Here are some thoughts as the season kicks off, yet again, with a losing streak:

  • Ben Cherington did not do his job. No, moving pieces into holes to create more holes does not count as improving. Just as an example: Imagine if the Red Sox had acquired one, not-terrible starting pitcher. I have no problems using the fifth spot as an experiment (let’s say Doubront). Then, assuming injuries hadn’t happened, you would have a bullpen led by Bailey, Bard, Melancon, Aceves. On paper, that’s not bad. You would have your closer, two set-up men, and your swiss army knife (in my opinion more valuable than a closer). Even with the Bailey injury, that bullpen would be fine. Now? A mediocre closer, a set-up man, and no swiss army knife (Unless that’s Padilla…yikes). But hey, that’s what happens when you penny pinch.
  • When the Red Sox acquired Mark Melancon, many speculated that he could be the successor to Jonathan Papelbon. It’s far too early for the final verdict, but the former relief pitcher from the Houston Astros looks like…well, a relief pitcher from the Houston Astros.
  • Baltimore and Toronto are off to hot starts. But before everyone preemptively gives Brett Lawrie a Cooperstown plaque, let’s remember that the Orioles and Blue Jays will be lucky if they double their current win totals this year. For the record, I think the new Orioles logo looks stupid and I prefer this Blue Jays logo.
  • It’s funny how fans choose to assign blame. Melancon and Aceves have been equally terrible, but because Aceves was here last year, he’s temporarily excused.
  • As amusing as it is to watch this team struggle, there isn’t anybody I’m rooting for to get punished. Somehow Theo “the genius” Epstein avoided getting any blame AND hustled the Red Sox. So who’s left? Despite ridiculously early conclusions, Valentine is here to stay, at least for this season. Cherington is incompetent, but he’s merely a puppet. I guess I’d say ownership, but that would be a pipe dream.
  • Players I actually like on the team: Pedroia, Gonzalez, Beckett, Salty, Doubront.
  • Speaking of which, it will become increasingly hard to defend Mr. Beckett when he pitches like that.
  • Cherington should have known what he was getting into with Bailey. The injury riddled past was painted everywhere. Considering how poorly most free agent relievers did this year, I’d rather have Francisco Cordero and Josh Reddick than Bailey and Ryan Sweeney.
  • They say Ryan Sweeney “looks” like a slugger. If you’re going to assemble a roster with that philosophy, how could you possibly fail?
  • For the record, I prefer the strategy of picking guys with cool last names.
  • Why is Curt Schilling getting bashed for bashing Valentine? Last time I checked, he had three World Series rings. He’s got the resume to back up the big talk.
  • And I’m sick of Bobby Valentine being called a master baseball strategist. Like Terry Francona, or any major league manager, would not make the decision they think would be the best for the team. Example: “Bobby Valentine really hammered in the fundamentals with the players this year.” These are thirty-something-year-old men…I’m pretty sure the little league basics weren’t wiped from their memories over the offseason.
  • How can some media members say Kevin Youkilis is off to a slow start? He’s had 8 at bats. I’ll take my chances.
  • On that note, fan hysteria in general is getting kind of old. Everyone knew the Red Sox were not particularly good this year, so what did they really expect? Just because it’s the team YOU happen to root for, it doesn’t mean that they will inexplicably win.
  • This leads to the more theoretical and lofty question of why we care about sports in general. I mean, Nick Punto, doesn’t care how I do on an exam in school. Whether you like it or not, the Red Sox are playing only because they are being paid obscene amounts to do so. Whether their on field performance fills your life with euphoric bliss or sends you into a raging depression is of no concern to them. Watch the Red Sox because the game is entertaining (which it’s not), not because they owe it to you. You are entitled to nothing.

On that note, things can only get better. Unless they get worse.

About Josh Segal

Josh Segal is a professional shock artist and trash talker. He also occasionally writes opinion pieces about the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and their respective leagues at large. Segal is currently a junior at Kenyon College where he plans to double major in drama and political science. Apparently he also writes his own biographies in the third person.

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3 comments for “What We Learned About the Red Sox this Week: Formulas for Failure”

  1. LOVE the author’s sense of humor!

    Posted by Traci | April 9, 2012, 1:03 pm
  2. All I can say Mr.Segal is that you are genius. Your passages send magical rays of sunshine through my soul !

    Posted by Camsterdahamster | April 9, 2012, 2:59 pm
  3. great to the point like i told you last time its the same old war cry “WAITE UNTIL NEXT YEAR” OR MABE THE CURSE OF THE BABE IS BACK GOOD LUCK

    Posted by AP MECH | April 9, 2012, 5:45 pm

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